Anger and Resentment

It’s difficult not to feel occasional anger and resentment if you’re a primary caregiver who seems to be doing all the work caring for your parents – especially if other family members live nearby but are content to leave the details of such elderly care giving to you.

Or conversely, to be the caregiver of senior parents (determined solely by geographical location or because you’re ‘the oldest’) who is trying to do the best you can, but who must constantly listen to advice or criticism offered by other family members who may or may not be willing to offer actual help.

How do you deal with complaints, second-guessing and demands from senior parent siblings who want to offer advice, but can’t (or won’t) offer to help financially, physically or emotionally to help care for your senior Mom and Dad?

Dealing with Siblings


Care giving, especially when an elderly parent lives in your home, is a 24-an hour a day job. Many sons and daughters (mostly daughters) find themselves in the role of primary caretaker, whether they asked for the job or not. Often, this choice is delegated by unspoken agreement among other family members that you are “best suited to provide care for Mom”. You might work part-time, or be a stay-at-home Mom or run a home-based business. In such cases, other family members may feel you don’t “have a real job” so you have the time to care for your elderly parents. You may have been delegated to the role of primary caregiver because you live closest to Mom or Dad.

Disagreements about what should be done, what can be done and what has been done may crop up. Many caregivers must take on added financial responsibilities when caring for an elderly parent, (which Mom or Dad might not offer or be able to help pay for) and siblings often don’t realize or acknowledge that their sibling might need some extra help.

So how do you as a caregiver of elderly parents deal with the anger, frustration or resentment when it’s your life that’s suddenly been turned upside down, and you now have not only children, but also a husband and a job that needs your attention too? Care giving for elderly parents involves dozens of decisions, some that must be made immediately, and dealing with suggestions, complaints or second guessing from siblings is the last thing you need.


Get Everyone Involved


Whenever possible, try to keep all family members involved in the care giving process, even if they live far away and need to be updated by phone. Tell siblings and other family members what they can do to help. It doesn’t have to be physical help, but may involve a supportive phone call every week, an offer to help pay for a home care health aide, or help in making long-term decisions regarding senior medical care, legal issues, or finances.


Are You Completely Stressed Out?

Do you resent your siblings for not helping care for Mom and Dad? Are you being shut out of elderly care decisions? Are your elderly parents asking too much? Read What Others are Saying and let Us know What You Think...


Here are a few tips toward maintaining open communication with siblings:

* Update them frequently.

* If a sibling offers constant criticism but no help, gently but firmly explain that until he or she is willing to share in the responsibilities, you must continue doing the best you can with the tools you have.

* Let your siblings know what you are doing to provide elderly care – tell them everything – the nitty-gritty details that they probably aren’t even aware of.

* Be vocal in welcoming advice and help in your elderly parent’s care – this can be financial, legal, or medical.

* Be clear in telling siblings exactly what you would like them to do, or what you need them to do for you.

* Always use “I” and avoid accusations – for example, instead of saying “You never help,” say, “I feel stressed or overwhelmed.”

* Be willing to compromise when you ask for someone's help.



When Siblings Don't Help....

You feel resentful and angry that your freedom is gone. You work hard at your job, then rush home to take care of Dad, who’s suffering from mid-stage Alzheimer’s or a bedridden Mom who needs help with just about everything. It’s natural to feel anger and resentment over realizing that your life is no longer your own.

It’s also natural to feel guilty over such thoughts. We berate ourselves for being selfish, compassion less or self-centered. However, remember that this also is a natural process. Don’t beat yourself up over such thoughts.

Acknowledge them. Find someone to talk to about them - close friends, a sibling, or your pastor. People will understand, so don’t judge yourself too harshly. Accept the fact that you’re human and not super-woman.

Find a local support group for caregivers of elderly parents where you can freely express your stress and frustrations and you won’t be criticized or judged for voicing such feelings. Finding an outlet for anger and resentment is the best way to face it down and overcome it.



Source: www.boomers-with-elderly-parents.com